Dear TSA, Thank you for so carefully checking the toiletries contained inside my single quart-sized ziploc bag at the Denver International Airport on Sunday. I feel significantly safer flying the friendly skies knowing that you are so vigilant at repossessing my half-empty 4oz container of moisturizer. The last thing any of us want is for ne’er-do-wells to fly across the country well-moisturized.

I feel even safer knowing that you completely ignored my girlfriend’s toiletry ziploc, which happened to contain another 4oz container of moisturizer. Whew, good to know you’re on the case.